Saying goodbye

I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm confused. I never thought I could have so many emotions at one time, but I do. I don't know what to do about what's going on.
One week ago, April 22nd, my grandma passed. While I'm trying to continue with stuff like normal, it's hard. I've never lost someone and its far more difficult than I thought. Seeing my father and grandfather being as upset as they are and as vulnerable as they are is hard. I've never seen them like this. I've never felt like this. There's so many overwhelming emotions and so many things going on and I hate that I don't know how to deal with them.

I'm sad because she's gone. I'll never get to see her again, mess up her hair again, or just talk meaningless small talk again. I'm sad because of how everyone around me is reacting. It's depressing knowing that the strongest men in my life are at their weakest points and I'm seeing them cry. While it helps to cry, it breaks my heart to see them do it.

I'm mad because she was so young. She was only 75. She didn't even get to have a single day after her 75th birthday out of the hospital. She had COPD because of smoking and second hand smoke. She also had congestive heart failure. She had always had health issues, but it was well known in my family that once a year, she'd be in the hospital due to pneumonia. Then she'd have to stay because she had issues with other stuff as well. I'm mad that she spent so much of her life in the hospital. That she never got to actually meet her brand new great grand baby. That Mila will never have memories of her great grandma.

I'm happy because I know she wanted more than anything to see her dad and mom again. She was begging for them and now she's with them again. She's no longer in pain and she's never going to have to worry about her health again. I'm happy because we have a guardian angel up there who will slap us when we are being stupid, keep us safe and smile when we are smiling. I'm happy because my grandpa doesn't have to worry about her anymore. He knows she's in a better place.


Grandma, I love you so much. We'll take care of grandpa. I miss you so much already and it's only been a week.

Ahhh, hectic day...

So here I am sitting in a hospital room hoping and praying my grandma will be ok. She's intubated. She looks so sad and helpless and pathetic. And it breaks my heart. The nurse said that they're concerned about taking the tube out. They're afraid she won't be able to breathe again. Hopefully she will be fine. I was cleaning my room last night and found some old pictures. Two of them were pictures of my great great great grandparents. One was my great grandmas maternal grandparents and the other was the same grandmas paternal grandparents, I believe. Or something like that. Married in 1877 and 1874.

The other was of my grandma when she was little. She looked so familiar and it wasn't labeled who it was. So I asked my mom who it was and yup. My paternal grandma. This is the only time I've been actually scared about her despite the fact that she goes to the hospital more often than I go to the regular doctor.
So, get better grandma. Don't know who else I would harass and rub their hair.

So now I'm going to snuggle my pup and hope for the best.

Cleaning up.

I know aquariums usually have a clean up crew to clean up a majority of the mess the other creatures leave behind. I feel like I need that. This last week has been... Interesting. Again. I am in the process of cleaning out my bedroom so I can paint it and put different furniture in it. I'm currently awake and trying to do the pretty much finishing touches on organizing what's in it now. Lots of garbage, lots of goodwill stuff, lots of stuff to give to my niece and most of all, lots of memories. I've been in the same bedroom for like 16 years or something. I think it's almost 17. So I have a lot of stuff. I found receipts from 2006 and aol Internet CDs from 2002.

I also have this sweet little pup just staring at me. Waiting to go to bed.

My bedroom has been dark for a long time. Black furniture, grey walls and a red ceiling. Not exactly uplifting. So I have some ideas in mind for when I eventually paint it. And I stopped by hobby lobby and checked out some of their stuff. Holy crap. In love. <3
Also, my dad has the majority of his garage back. So that's always good. I have a semi clean floor and a clean closet, so I'm surprised!