Summary of the week and moving. Eek!

I don't know why I get as frustrated as I do as easily as I do. It's annoying and, well, frustrating. I went to a psychiatric nurse practitioner this week and she gave me new meds. Saphris. An antipsychotic. Lovely. Always a reassuring thought when someone gives me a medication that's used for schizophrenia. She thinks I'm bipolar though. Bipolar bear. I had a therapist suggest that when I was younger but he also suggested I got a hamster to help with my depression, put my then 13 year old mutt into dog shows and purchase and learn to ride a dirt bike, so of course I took what he said with a grain of salt. So who knows what I actually am... Depressed, bipolar bear, eh... I don't really care what it is, I just want to feel better. I want to feel happy about myself. About my body. About what I'm doing with my life.
I went to value village the other day to try on semi-professional clothes so in case I get an interview, I wouldn't have to worry about what I was going to wear. Of course, nothing fit the tatas and I walked out of the store crying. And then went to the pet store and purchased some plants and ghost shrimp for Felix's tank. And Felix proceeded to attack and eat the shrimp. Well done, betta. I now know I can't put anything in a tank with him because that's like the sixth fricking shrimp he's attacked and eaten. That's why I bought $0.59 ghost shrimp and not the pretty blue shrimp that was $4.

Then on Friday when I had the medicine appointment, I may have gone to the pet store and came home with another betta. But she's an interesting white lady betta. This time I'm pretty sure she's actually a lady, unlike when I thought Felix was a lady. There's definitely an ovipositor.

For now she's in a one gallon, bare bottomed tank. I'll put her in another bigger tank soon though. I hate seeing a fish in a small tank, but putting her in a huge tank when she's probably only lived in a tiny cup most of her life is pretty traumatizing.

Saturday, well technically today for me since I haven't fallen asleep yet, was... Odd. My dad and I left around 11am to go pack up my apartment. Got there around 1:30 after a lunch stop and started packing. It's definitely weird seeing two years of stuff packed up in a truck and trailer. We left town around 8:20 and got back home just before 11pm. 12 hours just about. And then we unpacked everything into the garage. The garage is a fricking mess. Terrible mess. My back is killing me from the lifting and as I write this, I'm in the bath trying to relax. I took my medication about an hour ago and it makes me super tired. I love it. Taking it at night ensures a great nights sleep. I'm not noticing a huge difference in myself other than sleeping yet. But we'll see.
A little bit of relaxing in the bath with some colloidal oatmeal since my skin has been so dry, smothering myself with coconut oil and then sleep. I'm so excited for sleep.
Oh and in case you're wondering, no, I can't take a bath without my dog being in the bathroom. She's my creeposaurus. And she refuses to be more than like ten feet away from me. And right now, I wouldn't have t any other way.

Ziggy's belated birthday

The 24th was my lovely puppy's birthday. She is now 6. I feel like just yesterday she was a tiny little pup.



And then she wasn't as tiny and baby-like.

And now she's my lovey pup. My six year old puppy, but she's my baby.

I made her some cupcakes. She loved them.



And a birthday brushing and bath.

Happy belated birthday, my baby pup.

Music Monday : Dare by Stan Bush

Yup

Totally from Transformers: The Movie.

Once upon a time, this amazing friend introduced me to Transformers. I fell in love with Transformers immediately and it became one of the few things that could calm me down when I was in a terrible mood. I don't talk to this friend as much anymore, though I really wish I could. But sometimes, you realize that there are some friendships that hurt more than help.

But I still love transformers with a passion. And when I'm down, this song normally cheers me up a smidge and gives me a bit of hope. "You can win if you dare."

Sometimes when your hopes have all been shattered
And there's nowhere to turn
You wonder how you keep going
Think of all the things that really mattered
And the chances you've earned
The fire in your heart is growing
You can fly, if you try leaving the past behind
Heaven only knows what you might find

Dare - dare to believe you can survive
You hold the future in your hand
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
It's time to take a stand
And you can win, if you dare

Everybody's trying to break your spirit
Keeping you down
Seems like it's been forever
But there's another voice if you'll just hear it
Saying it's the last round
Looks like it's now or never
Out of the darkness you stumble into the light
Fighting for the things you know are right

Dare - dare to believe you can survive
The power is there at your command
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
It's time to take a stand
And you can win, if you dare

Dare - dare to believe you can survive
You hold the future in your hand
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
The power is there at your command

Dare - dare to keep all your love alive
Dare to be all you can be
Dare - 'cause there is a place where dreams survive
And it's calling you on to victory

Sort of a new start maybe

Sometimes I wish I could just press a reset button on life. Like when you're playing sega genesis and notice "oh shit. I'm about to die" or your time sucks, so you just press reset and bam. Begin again. Start over. Clean slate.
Sometimes I wish I could just move somewhere completely random and new. And try to change myself there because no one would know the real me anyway, but in a way, it would just be pretending, I think.
I can't do that so while I take some time off from school, I'm going to try to make some big changes.

• I'm going to get a job. Never had one before.


• I'm going to get back into shape and hopefully lose some of the weight that depression has added. (50+ pounds since 2009.... =\ I finally have boobs but the rest of me is icky)
  
  
• Take care of my aquariums more.


• Take Ziggy on more walks and brush her more.


• Plant a garden. With pumpkins and random veggies. Pumpkins are already started and I am thinking I want broccoli, zucchini, peas, soybeans, carrots and lettuce. Maybe this will help me eat healthier and lose weight also!
  


• RELAX!!! I desperately need to relax. To find ways to cope with my depression and ways to calm myself down when I have anxieties.

I need to think of myself. I need to do things that make me feel better and to help me get back to my normal semi-happy state.
I'm making lists to get stuff done. While they do seen overwhelming at first, they are helping me get some stuff done. Finding the motivation to do anything is rather difficult, especially when I'm depressed and feel sick, but I'm trying. My list is gradually getting shorter and shorter for this week. Called and made appointments for a doctor and for my hair, which stresses me out since I hate calling places. Cleaned aquariums and redid Felix's tank (baby male betta born approximately November 1). He now has a little temporary 2.5 gallon tank with plants and a heater until I go back go my apartment and get my stuff from there and his 10 gallon tank.

Happy birthday, meow mix! And panic attack. Yuck.

I'm not 100% sure of my cat's birthday.... But we guess it is approximately Saint Patrick's Day.
I love him.... But he is the devil. He is evil. A beautiful cat. But absolutely evil. Haha. It's his thirteenth birthday! Happy birthday, Homie G. Dawg! Yes, awful name. But my sister was in her parachute pants stage and I was in a highly impressionable stage. And yeah. We normally call him Homer. Or Homes. Or Homerdoo. He got outside one time and was about to get in a fight with another cat and my mom went to pick him up. $10k doctor bill there since she was in the hospital for like five days.


I don't know about anyone else, but some animals just help when you have a panic attack. I just found myself sobbing and then suddenly I was on the kitchen floor sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. I didn't know what to do. Through my tears and sobbing, I called Ziggy to me and she came and snuggled me and calmed me down and licked the tears off of my face. I love my pup. That panic attack would have lasted a lot longer if she wasn't there. I'm really thinking of training her to be an emotional support animal. She helps me so much with the emotional mess that I am and she can behave if she wants to. But she's part of my family and when she wants to behave may not be as often as it is expected. Ha. Slowly but surely, I'm trying to train her with the guidelines on nsarco.com. So far... Ehh. Not so great. But I'll get her to the point where she is good on all of them. She is highly intelligent and is easy to train. She knows sit and speak in sign language and English. And with me being around more often (taking a break from school), she will hold onto the training longer. When you don't use it, you lose it. It's true.

Oh silly pup...

Sometimes I wonder how dogs or pets get as weird as they are.
Ziggy seems to know when I'm about to leave to go back to school and she freaks out. When I'm about to get home on Friday, she seems to know when to wait for me. She's odd.

She is the most destructive dog I know. For how small and fluffy she is, she kills everything with a squeaker.

The longest a regular squeak toy has lasted is about 3 days. As soon as she gets a toy, she attacks it and goes after the squeaker. Once the squeaker is dead, she's done with the toy. So a great toy for her is the Egg Babies brand. They give her something to do and she pulls out the eggs from the stomach of the toy. And then plays with the eggs that have squeakers in them. That way she's being destructive, but not completely destroying stuff. Though she does eventually kill the squeakers in the toys, they're replaceable and she stays occupied.

The other night, I was watching tv and my dog was being a weirdo and put her head underneath the pillow. She decided to just leave her right leg out from underneath the pillow.


Yeah. She's a weirdo. I love her. She is the most strange animal I know.

Fairweather friends

Why should we deal with them? Why do I deal with them? It's incredibly frustrating when you cry your heart out to someone and what do they say back? Nothing. They do nothing. Say nothing. But when they have something going on in their life, they expect you to drop everything and help them out and listen and provide insight. It's frustrating. Really?
I don't have many friends and I want to keep the ones I have. But sometimes, some of them don't seem worth it. When they can't tell something is wrong with me and I need help when I tell them quite serious things and they simply ignore me or belittle my issues and me... It's pretty hard. When they can't take fifteen minutes out of their so called busy schedule (when they have plenty of time to do things like watch their favorite shows on tv), it makes it hard to think that they're going to be a long term, actual friend.

From the mouths of children...

My sister and I were talking about gypsies when I was doing her nails. No idea why or what the context was but I asked the girls (her fiancé's daughters, 4 and 6) if they knew what gypsies were. The youngest said no and the oldest said she thought maybe she kinda knew but wasn't sure. I then told them that gypsies were basically travelers and they usually didn't live in homes like we did, but trailers and on tv they used motor oil to tan (Gypsy Sisters). The youngest then said "ewwww!" I then asked if she would ever lick a gypsy and she said "I'd never lick a gypsy and I'll never eat motor oil!!!"
Holy crap! I love the stuff that comes out of kids' mouths.
Made my day.

Girl, Interrupted and Army Wives premier

"Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl interrupted."
I feel like Girl, Interrupted is a great movie for those trying to understand depression and anxieties and those dealing with mental illnesses.
"Explain what? Explain to a doctor that the laws of physics can be suspended? That what goes up may not come down? Explain that time can move backwards and forwards and now to then and back again and you can't control it?"
No, they're not a bunch of crazy girls in an insane asylum. This isn't American Horror Story: Asylum. It's real life.
The original therapist scene is reminiscent to what I've had. Except that's less miserable than many I've had. "What are you feeling right now?" "I don't know what I'm feeling... I don't know..."
"Four days ago you chased a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka." "I had a headache..."
With depression, with mental illnesses, we do things we don't understand. Like Susanna Kaysen in Girl, Interrupted. She chased a bottle of aspirin with a bottle of vodka. Was she trying to kill herself? No. She claimed she had a headache. She had pain. Whether its emotional or physical pain, she was trying to eliminate it with a typical pain reliever. No, I'm NOT trying to say that's a way to relieve emotional or physical pain. But when you're depressed, sometimes things don't make sense. Yet it makes sense to the depressed person in their mind for some odd reason.
Can I explain some of the stuff I've done? No way in hell. It's too hard.
I tried to explain to someone who was born in the late 50's about the depression thing while letting her listen to songs that I felt portrayed the feeling well. She simply claimed, "well that didn't happen in my day!" Yes they did. Yes... They really did. Girl, Interrupted takes place in the 60's. It definitely happened then.

Army Wives last night was... Well I didn't think I would cry. At all. But oh hey. Way to make it terribly sad and bring back Pamela and Roxy and make me cry, lifetime. Good job. Haha.
I'm excited for next week of it though. It will be interesting with Claudia Joy Holden's memorial and all of that. I hope they start introducing new characters.

Mistakes

We all are guilty of making them. But are they really that terrible if we learn from them? I mean, yeah if you mistakenly kill someone... Yeaaaahhh that's bad. But little mistakes? Eh. If we learn from them and try to not do it in the future, it's a learning experience. The decisions we make in life not only show who we are but they mold who we are.
I've made my fair share of mistakes. And who is one to judge me for it? I am who I am because of them. Sometimes I may not like who I am, but I am me. No one else out there is exactly like me. No one else has made all of the same decisions, whether good or bad, as me. So if someone is going to judge me and they've never made the same choices as me, I feel as if its unfair. They don't know what is going on in my life or why I chose to do what I did. They haven't been through what I have and don't understand me. It especially frustrates me when they've never done the thing I chose to do.
I'm not perfect by any means. I'm far from it. But maybe next time you are quick to judge someone, think about the shiz they've been through and perhaps think of reasons why they could have chosen to do what they did.
I'm sure everyone in this world has made at least one mistake. No one is perfect. No one knows every single detail about people's lives that makes it ok to judge others.
Yes, I regret many things. But would I go back and change them? Not sure. The rape, yes. But the majority of the rest of life... Don't think I would.

Army Wives! So Excited!

It is Friday! Army wives is Sunday! Homigod!!! Sooo close. Already told the boyfriend I had a hot date with the tv. Hope he didn't judge.
Not going to lie... Season premier 2012, I made an army themed cake. Complete with army men on top of it. I did different shades of green and brown and white inside for the batter and then brown frosting. And then topped it with little stars from the piping tube thingy I got. Then tiny little army men from the dollar store. And I made my neighbor/friend watch it with me. She deals with my shiz, I deal with hers.
I've followed Army Wives live since approximately 2010. Aaand I became addicted. One of the few shows I NEED to watch.
I looked forward to Sunday night at 10pm.
Noooow, I look forward to this Sunday at 9pm! They moved it to an earlier time. And there's so many new characters. Like Torrey Devito (Maggie Hall, sound familiar to the Maggie in Pretty Little Liars?), Brook Shields (Kat Young), Burgess Jensen (Eddie Hall), Ashanti (Latasha Montclair), Joshua Henry (husband of Latasha and Quincy Montclair), Elle McLemore (Holly Truman) and Jesse McCartney (Tim Truman).
It will be interesting with all of the new characters. No Roxy or Pamela or Claudia Joy. Three of the originals are gone. Which makes me sad. But hopefully these new wives and soldiers will take their places as well as they can.
I really hope it isn't disappointing!
Majority of my favorite characters are gone (Roxy, Pamela) but at least Denise is still there despite her mistakes.
Mistakes are a part of being human. We all make mistakes.
And I love that the characters make everyday mistakes whether it is with work, significant others, children, school or anything else. I love it. Real people make mistakes. Real people eff up. And I'm glad they show that with the show.

Just drive...

Sometimes all I can do to relax is drive. Just drive. I don't always know where I'm going. I guess that's what's relaxing about it.
I've been having a hard day. I can't pinpoint exactly why... But I just am having a hard time with stuff.
So I drove. No idea where I was going at first. But I just drove until I could see the stars and nothing but stars and the dark sky. Somehow it makes me feel less alone. Allllso listened to Boston freakishly loud and sang my heart out. There's not much that Boston and obnoxious singing and driving can't fix.

Shows I Looooove

Some girls love teen mom and those things.
But my guilty pleasures are the ghost shows.... Aaand wedding shows. Haha. End of everyone's life.
Oh. And Army Wives.

But holy crap. I loooove SyFy on Wednesday. Creeeepy but I feel most of it is legitimate.
Tonight on Stranded, I kept looking at the mansion and thinking to myself, "why does this look soooo familiar?" Welllll, I looked it up and oh hey. It's the building (seaview terrace in rhode island) they used for the exterior shots of the original, black and white Dark Shadows. I can't believe I actually recognized it.
I've had my fair share of ghosties.
Whether it is someone telling me he'll keep me safe, someone pulling my hair and making my throat swell or someone/something coming at me where I only see a face and shoulders in the dark.... I don't feel too unsafe. The latter was the only time I booked it out of there. I didn't feel like someone was trying to make me feel unsafe in the second or first one. But the third one, they separated me from my dad so they could surface. Little creepy.

But oh man! Sunday! Army wives! I'm so excited! Favorite show ever. Kudos to the military spouses out there. Being a girlfriend of someone in the navy reserves is weird enough. I can't imagine being married to someone who is full time military. I love how they stay together through thick and thin and how they are so protective of each other.
I can admit, I won't cry about the fact that Claudia Joy died. Unless I've had too much wine. I can't guarantee anything if I have. I will miss Roxy. I already miss Pamela (gingers stick together!) and I am not a fan of all of the new characters.

Old houses and buildings

I said the day before yesterday that I'd show the old things I love. And ohhhh yes, I plan to! I may be a smidge late, but no one reads this so it doesn't matter. Haha.
I loooove claw foot bathtubs. If they have the metal feet, heck yes. I love them sooooo much. Never been in one or touched one, but someday, my precious. Haha.
There's a few houses in Monroe that I drive past on S. Lewis street that I loooooove. Ooooh my gosh. Amazing.
One is 501 south Lewis Street. I've been creeping on it for like two years. And then I looked farther in google and oh man. Someone else loved it too and took professional-like pictures. All three pictures below are credited to Joe Mabel. He seems to share the love of houses I do.



And then there's Port Townsend! Ahh! I love that town for the houses and buildings. So gorgeous.

And a side view of the same building....

My all time favorite building in Port Townsend. I love it. Gorgeous architecture and color choices. It stands out against the regular Port Townsend colors.
Pictures courtesy of me!
I totally am a creeper.

I went and drove around town with my mom and oogled all of the cute houses. I got some crappy pictures but they still show how pretty the houses are.




Don't judge. I was driving and taking pictures so they're terrible. But the houses are so pretty.

More Gelish and Titanic

So I'm really loving the gelish nail polish and nail art and things like that.
Saturday night, I had to convince my mom, basically begging her, to let me do her nails. After a drink or so, not saying which end they were on, she finally let me. And I was using a brush I knew was clean to dry brush the white polish off for the French manicure and my mom suggested another brush that was in her makeup kit that she never used. So I went and grabbed it and it worked great... But there was a slight issue. Because despite the fact that she never used the brush, it was in the kit with the rest and it was covered in makeup. So it left like a brown almost burnt tinge on her fingers. Oops! Fixed it and cleaned the brush out and for my first gelish French manicure, first time using the dry brush method, and first time using gelish on anyone else, it doesn't look too bad.

I also tried out something different on my nails. I used foundation and then Up in the Blue as the back color and used three coats. Two didn't seem enough. And then top coat. And then later I decided to use a bobby pin and dipped it in another blue polish, regular and not gelish) and did dots on my nails. I waited for it to dry and then I did the top it off top coat on top. I think it worked out fairly well!

I keep seeing other ideas for nails and I am finding a ton of Halloween ideas and I'm so excited for it! Yeahhhh, Halloween may be a ways away. But it makes me excited. There's so many cute ideas!
I'm now watching Titanic (on VHS. Oh yeahhh.) and it surprises me it was released in 1997. I remember when my parents took my sister and I to the movie theater in Marysville. Now it is some church or something. But yeah, brilliant idea taking a 6-7 year old and 8-10 year old to a pg-13 movie that had a very steamy sex scene that I remember covering my eyes and peeking during. Haha. Also I remember my mom getting mad at me for having to pee during it. I had the world's smallest bladder. My parents should have known better. Haha. Death, murder, suicide and sex. Movie for kids! But I'm totally loving the woodwork and the styling of the inside of the titanic. It's gorgeous. I'm loving the clothing. Amazing. And I love how simple Kate Winslet looks but how gorgeous she is still. If I get married, I totally would do some of the fashion in this movie. The gorgeous red curls. And the beautiful clothing. Lace and over-extravagant fashions. Love it.
I'm a huge fan of old things. Old houses, older fashions (though I normally wear yoga pants... Eek!), old cars, and just old buildings and stylings. Don't get me wrong... I love modern luxuries... Like big closets (older houses had smaller closets because the women only had two or three dresses and the men had their suits for work and such), ensuite bathrooms, spacious rooms, etc. but I loooove the old woodwork of buildings. Love it. So much. I one of those creepers who drools over houses. Port Townsend? Holy shiz... Do you know how distracted I am by the houses there?! I loooove the intricacy and the colors and the shapes and everything. Ahhhh! I love them! Tomorrow I'll post the houses and buildings I love!
"You will never behave like that again, Rose, do you understand?" "I am not a Forman in one of your mills that you can command."
Hoooooly shiz. I would disobey a man if he ever told me that. Just because I could. I had an ex told me he hated when I dyed some of my hair pink. What did I do? Dyed it more often. Bwahahaha. It's what I do.

Music Monday: Lemon Drop by Pistol Annies

I figured I should explain more of why my blog is named what it is. When I first heard "Lemon Drop," I was surprised as to how I could relate to it. Life really is like a lemon drop. Life isn't always what we expected it to be, but we keep dreaming and aspiring for it to be bigger and better.

"My muffler's tied on with a guitar string 
I owe 7, 000 dollars to a bank machine 
Before this car is ever really mine 
And some fine day I'll drive her downtown 
Get a burger, fries and a royal crown 
Thankin' God that I'll never 
Have to pay another dime 

My life is like a lemondrop 
I'm suckin' on the bitter to get to the sweet part 
I know there are better days ahead 

I got dirty shirts and worn out jeans 
I owe two dozen quarters to a washin' machine 
Before these clothes will ever really shine 
But I got me a man, that just don't care 
If his little darlins got underware 
I know someday I'm gonna be his wife 

My life is like a lemondrop 
I'm suckin' on the bitter to get to the sweet part 
I know there are better days ahead 

I got thrift store curtains in the windows of my home 
I'm payin' for a house that the landlord owns 
Bought a t.v on a credit card 
It'll take me ten years to pay if off 
But some fine day I'll be drinkin' a beer 
In a big backyard I own free and clear 
All I know, there's better days ahead 

So I'll play my hopes and play my dreams 
Just like two coins in a slot machine 
Sing "Glory, Hallelujah" if everything works out fine 

My life is like a lemondrop 
I'm suckin' on the bitter to get to the sweet part 
I know there are better days ahead 

Lord I know there are better days ahead 
Thank God"

And the results are in...

I heard back from the doctor about the colposcopy.... Aaaaand the cells were benign! Yay! No cervical cancer for now! I do Pap smears every six months and then once I've had three regular paps, I'm good to go!!
That's such a relief. I've been freaking out for the last month because of it. So happy that I'm cancer-free.
Currently at my boyfriends house trying to sleep. I took unisom and had some delicious wine from Greece he brought back and some kinder eggs. Best boyfriend ever to think of bringing back amazing moscato wine and kinder eggs when he was out of the country. He's snoring like a beasty and his dog keeps licking and chewing himself, which is what he's not supposed to do. Dang you, Falkor. Keep trying to get him to stop licking but he won't.
I've been having a hard time sleeping lately. It's been requiring unisom and a lot of restlessness. Which is unfortunate. I hate it. But I figure maybe it will get better soon? I have a little less stress going on so maybe that helps.
Also currently watching Safety Not Guaranteed. So far, it's really cute.
I'm going to snuggle up to this snoring beast and get some sleep hopefully. =]