Maverick: Day 1!

Maverick is very very curious. Didn't want to eat anything until I hand fed him. He has diarrhea and his pee is super saturated. So I'm hoping that with good food, he'll become more regular. He's also drinking more water. Soo soo curious. 

Just wants to be outside. I think his original owners had him outside like 90% of the time. His kennel is trashed. Disgusting. So muddy and icky. That had to have been outside. His dishes were outside. He was an outdoor dog. So this transition will be difficult. He weighs 21.2 pounds. He looks super skinny. Previous owners thought he had a corn allergy but kept him on cheap ass gross food that had corn in it, so he's an itchy little man. Plus he was bathed with highly fragranced shampoos. After a bath, he's far less stinky, far less itchy and he's passed out on the couch snuggling my legs. 

I cleaned his kennel and it was vile. Can't believe he lived in that without a blanket or bed. Put two beds in it and he seemed to like it! Also, diarrhea is gone. He seems to be doing very well so far! 

He doesn't like my mom's shihtzu, Meeko. And the other one, Bubba, doesn't like him. We'll see what tomorrow brings! And tonight! Hopefully he sleeps well tonight. 

Zig seems to not hate him. They seem to be getting along fairly well! She actually wanted to meet him when she saw him from inside the car! No barking or growling at him. Just barking at nothing. Haha. 

Possible New Furbaby...?

So I found a dog on craigslist on Thanksgiving Eve. And I fell in love with him. I just randomly happened to search "American Eskimo Dog" on craigslist and I saw him. Two years old, occasional accident inside and looks like he loves to run on the beach. He looked beautiful. Like he would fit in well with out family and like he would do well with us! 

I messaged the family on thanksgiving. Didn't hear anything. Didn't hear anything the day after that. Or the day after that. I finally heard back this Thursday. A week later. They emailed me. And I got my hopes up! So much! 

I've always wanted a BFF for Ziggy since she was a baby. And since Zig's nickname was Mongoose, shortened later to Goose. And I've always wanted a Maverick for her. I know it sounds crazy. But she's possibly going to get her Maverick! His name was Radar. But I hate that name. Sorry, furbaby... I need your name to change. 

So tomorrow, at 10:30, ten minutes away from my house, I'm meeting him. They live an hour and a half away. And they're driving all the way up here. So I can meet him. I'm so ridiculously excited! Worth waking up earlier than normal too! I'm soooo excited! So so happy! But so nervous! 

Yesterday I was driving and Savage Garden came on pandora. It was "I knew I loved you" and I cried. Legitimate tears. Oh Maverick. I knew I loved you before I met you. Please let you love me! And you and Ziggy love each other! Please! 

Possible New Furbaby...?

So I found a dog on craigslist on Thanksgiving Eve. And I fell in love with him. I just randomly happened to search "American Eskimo Dog" on craigslist and I saw him. Two years old, occasional accident inside and looks like he loves to run on the beach. He looked beautiful. Like he would fit in well with out family and like he would do well with us! 

I messaged the family on thanksgiving. Didn't hear anything. Didn't hear anything the day after that. Or the day after that. I finally heard back this Thursday. A week later. They emailed me. And I got my hopes up! So much! 

I've always wanted a BFF for Ziggy since she was a baby. And since Zig's nickname was Mongoose, shortened later to Goose. And I've always wanted a Maverick for her. I know it sounds crazy. But she's possibly going to get her Maverick! His name was Radar. But I hate that name. Sorry, furbaby... I need your name to change. 

So tomorrow, at 10:30, ten minutes away from my house, I'm meeting him. They live an hour and a half away. And they're driving all the way up here. So I can meet him. I'm so ridiculously excited! Worth waking up earlier than normal too! I'm soooo excited! So so happy! But so nervous! 

Yesterday I was driving and Savage Garden came on pandora. It was "I knew I loved you" and I cried. Legitimate tears. Oh Maverick. I knew I loved you before I met you. Please let you love me! And you and Ziggy love each other! Please! 

Did I ever think...?

Did I ever think I'd be 23, jobless and living at home with my parents? Nope. 

Did I ever think I'd take a break from school? Nope. 

Did I ever think that I'd apply to 25 jobs in a week? Nope. 

Do you really think it's a good idea to remind me that I feel like a worthless slob? It really isn't. I don't know why family and people ask if I have a job or "what you're doing with your life." Well, I'm trying to not strangle you right now for asking that. But other than that, I obviously just sit home and do nothing but masturbate all day while drinking wine and watching Housewives of Somewhere Better Than Here. Really? No. I try to do as much as I can around the house. I go and go tanning. Why? Not for any superficial reason. I don't care about being tan. It's the bright light. Laying down, closing my eyes and relaxing. Happy lights don't do anything for me. Actually, they kinda piss me off. I know what they're supposed to do but they don't do anything for me, so that makes me mad. I've tried putting it on a timer so I can wake up to it. It just aggravates me. I tried doing regular stuff but just being next to it. I just got annoyed. Maybe I'm weird. But it didn't do anything. 

I am, however, trying to do everything I can to make myself happy. Working out, when I can breathe, helps. But I'm sick right now and can't breathe very well. Tanning makes me happier. Taking SAM-e makes me happier. And it helps my back. It helps with joint pain. Hallelujah. 

I went to the library and got some books. I'm hoping that reading will help as well. I got some historical books and I also got some that are a little silly and embarrassing. So I'm hoping I can read the five books before they're due on the 13th! 

Oh, man. I need to blog more!!

It's been almost a month! A lot has happened! Well, I lie.
Not a ton has happened. I wore my halloween costume.

I gave Disney Princesses far more candy than they deserved.

Did my nails in accordance with my costume.

I actually got a letter saying that my dog beast is my emotional support creature!

So I took her to the hospital/old folks home my grandma is in and everyone loved her.

I learned that both she and I have an unhealthy fascination with ham.

I haven't lost a ton of weight. I've been sick for the last two weeks or so.

So I've been having a hard time breathing! Not conducive to working out!

But I haven't gained weight! Thankfully. Maybe a pound, literally.

I've figured out a crappy resume, since I've never had a legit job.

I've applied at 25 jobs since Sunday afternoon.

22 at the same company but different locations and different jobs.

If that doesn't scream, "Help me, I'm poor!" I don't know what does.


And it freaks me out that my face is now going to be associated with this blog... Hopefully I didn't seem too crazy before!

Hot damn! Eyelashes!

I missed fake eyelashes. I love them. Oh man. 

Creeper picture. But I love fake eyelashes. Like no other. Trying to make them look better for my costume! I think I've done fairly well! It's been since 2008ish since I've done them. Not bad! 

Went to a haunted house today! It was fantastic. I literally just stared in the people's faces and got called ugly. Really, dickhead!? I'm not ugly. Eff off.  Only screamed once that I know of. Jumped a few times. It was the one at Thomas Family Farms in snohomish. It was ok other than someone saying I'm ugly. Eff off. I'm far cuter than what you could get, fuck face. The people had really bad breath. They were told not to touch us and I was told not to touch them... Sooo.... I had to get as humanly close as possible, without touching, and yelled in their faces. 

And I may show my costume tomorrow! After my mom and dad working on it. My dad mainly using staples and breaking the sewing machine. It was adorable though. My mom woke me up at 12:30 on a Friday night (I took Benadryl because the cat scratched me and I was reacting since I'm allergic to him) and told me she wasn't able to do the skirt that we had planned for and that we needed to go buy more tulle for it the next day! Yikes! There was barely any left the week before when I went!

Thankfully, I had woken up to the most beautiful skirt I had ever seen. I love it. I want to wear it daily. It's gorgeous. =]

Climb for grandma!

The American Lung Association is doing a climb up rainier tower and I've joined it. Within the last week, I've fundraised $95 and my team all together has $105! Holy cow! There's times where I think that people are shitty. Just not good at all. And with $105 raised in a week?!! I'm ecstatic! And people are fucking amazing! I'm more than thrilled. I can't believe it. People really are good. 

And I've been thinking about doing simple gelish polish for fundraising. It's something I'm not bad at. And I enjoy doing it. Anyone have experience with doing something like this?

Natural hair and skin care

It amazes me how natural hair and skin products work. I don't mean stuff from the grocery store. Oh heck no. I'm cheap. And poor. And those have chemicals in them that irritate my skin. 

Lately, I've been using an egg white mask on my face every once in a while. And coconut oil just about every day. You'd think that smothering your face with oil would cause breakouts. Nope. Not at all. It has anti fungal properties that help with acne and stuff. My skin is breaking out and bam. Smother it in coconut oil. Less than 12 hours later and it looks soooo better. 24 hours later, almost completely zit free. Love it. 

With my hair, I used to do just olive oil. Which worked decently. Then I tried just coconut oil. Worked even better. But tonight I figured I could mix coconut oil, olive oil, egg yolk and honey. Never used egg yolk or honey in my hair but eh. Figured its worth a try. This slimy concoction is running down my back. It's running down my boobs. It's gross. But I'm hoping it works! It's been in my hair for about 20 minutes. Going to TRY to keep it in all night but since it's so runny, I may not. And I'll do an update.

But after tonight's egg white facials (two of them. Didn't see a point in wasting eggs) and the coconut oil, my face feels tight but moisturized. 

But I have to keep the coconut oil and oils away from my eyelash extensions! Love them. And don't want to ruin them. 

Walking Dead and sometimes I don't care.

Sometimes it's a yoga pants, no makeup, bun, and wine in a box type of day. Nothing wrong. But nothing's particularly right. 

Thankfully I have an hdmi cord to watch streamed Walking Dead episodes from my computer to my tv. Far nicer than the teeny little computer screen. 

And oh man. What I would do for that house that the Greene's live in. That house is absolutely gorgeous. 

And how do these people have decent hair cuts and fairly cleanly shaven faces and no pit hair when they're living off of nothing? Haha it just doesn't make sense! On season 2, episode 7, I believe. And I'm loving it. 

I'm fricking happy!

It's been like two or three months of not being on conventional medication. I've been taking SAM-e. And for once, when I take it as told, it works

I'm fricking happy. No crying other than reading really emotional stuff or seeing emotional shows. Totally legit reason for crying. It's fantastic. Maybe it's the mix of working out and taking a more natural medication. I don't know. I'm also talking to someone a lot more who makes me happy as can be. But it feels fantastic. I'm happier than I've been in a looooong time. Probably even years. It's fantastic. 

I feel like I'm only partially relying on someone else to make me happy. Like maybe 5%. When in the past, it has been nearly 100%. It's all progress! 

I even stayed at my aunt and uncles house, alone with their dog, for a week. And I feel fantastic. I didn't have a panic attack. I didn't cry more than emotional shows. I felt fine. I felt more than fine. I kept the house clean and took care of a dog all by myself. I may not have been doing anything else (for example, work or school) but it's a start. 

By the way, fuck all of you who said I needed a highly sedative medication to make me happy. I'm doing this on my own. Those sedative medications may have made me sleep, but I slept 12-14 hours and still felt exhausted. I felt numb. I felt like my mother could shoot my leg and I'd feel no emotional attachment and just be mad about being shot. 

I've known I could do this on my own. I just needed someone else to tell me I could. That is literally all I needed. 

Maybe I have PTSD. Maybe I'm bipolar or depressed. Maybe I let my history bug me more than I should. 

But I'm stronger than I was yesterday. And tomorrow, I'll be even stronger. 

Quick Gelish post: Tiger Blossom

Just a quick post! I keep writing posts but don't feel like posting them yet. I'll post maybe tomorrow! 

I got this polish a couple months ago and have been wearing it off and on but haven't gotten around to posting anything about it. 

Unfortunately, it shrinks if it's put on too thick or if it sits too long before I cure it. 

Soooo I do 2-3 coats and flash cure (cure for ten seconds) after about 2 nails. Then go back and cure it fully after I'm done painting all of the nails. 

It's kind of a red-ish orange. Tiki-tiki laranga is more of a hunting orange and I think Orange Cream Dream is more of the pumpkin orange I'm looking for. 

The joys of being a salt lick

I hate looking at myself in the mirror.

I hate wearing a size 13/14 and size large.

I hate watching what I eat. 

I hate eating less. 

I hate drinking less.

I hate working out and getting sweaty.

I hate that my dog thinks of me as a salt lick when I'm done working out.

I want to eat an entire box of girlscout cookies (yes, fat kids like me hide them from themselves so they have them year round).

But I love feeling the burn after I work out. 

I love knowing that I've lost ~7 pounds in the last two weeks. 

I love seeing that a little motivation goes a long way. 

I love that I'm getting healthier. 

I love that my asthma is getting better as I work out longer.

I love that I'm finally not giving into excuses. 

And no, certain family member who works for Weight Watchers... I don't want to pay $20 a month to have some strangers judge me. 

No, I'm not doing it to get super skinny. 

I'm not going to be the 107 pound 19 year old girl I was before who thought she was fat.

I'm 23 now, I actually eat and I weigh 180.4 pounds. I was approximately 187.6  two weeks ago. 

Do I want to get back to 107 pounds? Hell yes. 

Do I think I will? Nope. At least not for a long time. 

My goal weight is around 140 for now. And I believe that is even considered obese for my height. However I have a lot more muscle than most girls my size. Someone else I know who is both taller than me and bigger around the stomach than me weighs 171 pounds. Yet she has just about zero muscle. And muscle is more dense than fat, which is why I don't care if I do gain muscle and don't get back to the weight I was before. 

Just a life update!

So it's been a while. Far, far too long, but I've been kinda busy and I've been having ideas for posts running through my head and I just haven't gotten around to typing them up or posting them! Ah! I'll get better at this! I swear! So it's been like 2-3 months being off medication and I feel like I'm doing fantastic. I don't like feeling numb, like every medication I tried caused. Even if it was just slight numbness. I have my good days and I have bad days. In the last two weeks I've cried twice. Once was because of watching Safe Haven. That totally doesn't count though. The other time was just because I felt as though I had no friends and no one there to talk to me. And then it caused this whole morning time cleaning and crying ordeal. Not fun. Only lasted a couple of minutes though, thankfully! Not a panic attack. I haven't been sleeping super well, but I'm trying to get back on a normal schedule. The medicines I was on were so sedating that I'd literally be able to sleep 14 hours and still be exhausted and need caffeine. I've been using less to get me to sleep at night though, and I've been working out, so I think that's been helping (I'll do a post more about that later). I haven't had a panic attack since I went to Mexico, so about a month ago. And that was because my sister wouldn't send me a picture of my dog. I love my dog and knowing that I'm so far away from her stresses me out. Plus I was recently on a new birth control. By the way, Nuvaring sucks. So much. I couldn't get it in there right, no matter how I tried. I could constantly feel it and it felt like I had a tampon in for the two weeks I had it in. It never fully expanded. But I didn't want to worry about taking the pill in Mexico and my lameass doctor wouldn't recommend an IUD for me, so I tried it. Bad choice. I'll contact Planned Parenthood about it and try to get one there. But things have been going pretty dang well! And my prescribing nurse practitioner seemed to think that I wouldn't do well without medicine. Bam. I'm doing fine, beyatch. But I will be discussing getting my dog beast certified as an Emotional Support Animal. The website says examples of conditions needing an ESA are: Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, post traumatic stress disorder and personality disorder. Oh hey, I have anxiety, panic attacks, ptsd and depression! She thinks it's bipolar, but I think it's depression. But yeah. So I'd need to have her prescribe my dog to me, basically, and then write a letter saying I need her and then I think go through the National Service Animal Registry. But I'm still very much alive, even though no one reads this! Haha. Don't care. But I'm going to type up more blog posts now and just save them for later this week!! Ha!

Oh, furbaby

I love my dog. There's no denying that. She's adorable and kind of the devil. 

Proof that she's the devil. Attacking a shihtzu when she was a baby. 

And proof that she was adorable. She had to have her ball and her bone at the same time. 

Now, she just makes these faces at me. She's very serious. And very much wanting my very late night snack. 

Earlier, I made her do what we call "circus dog" and stand up and dance in a circle for a treat. 

I love her so much. Maybe it's weird, but she's my baby. She is my furbaby. =]

She's finally getting used to me being back home. After like 6 months. And she's finally kenneling when we ask her. She is doing better with being off leash and she's still not a fan of water. I tried to get her to swim at Baker lake. She wasn't a fan. At all. She used all of her energy to swim back to shore and befriend anyone on the shore who would love her. 

Music Monday: Stupid

Stupid

Kacey Musgraves 

Love this song because its how love is at times when it isn't true love. You feel like it is but it isn't. You don't think. 

"Plays you like a fiddle

Shakes you like a rattle

Takes away your gun

And sends you into battle

Huffs and it puffs

'Til it blows your house down

And you don't know your heart

From a hole in the ground

Oh whoa oh whoa

Oh whoa oh whoa

Stupid love is stupid

Don't know why we always do it

Finally find it just to lose it

Always wind up looking stupid

Stupid

Girl meets boy

And boy he's a looker

Can't separate the salt from the sugar

There's nothing in your pockets

There's footprints on your face

You can't tell anymore

If you're the rabbit or the snake

Hey!

Oh whoa oh whoa

Oh whoa oh whoa

Stupid love is stupid

Don't know why we always do it

Finally find it just to lose it

Always wind up looking stupid

Stupid

I drink to feel

I smoke to breathe

Just look what love

Has done to me

Stupid love is stupid

Don't know why we always do it

Finally find it just to lose it

Always wind up looking so damn

Stupid love is stupid

Don't know why we always do it

Finally find it just to lose it

Always wind up looking stupid

Stupid"

July 4th

Today we celebrate the 4th of July. Independence Day. But what is the day and what does it really mean?

To me, it means that I'm not a heathen because I don't practice a specific religion. It means if I wanted to, I could marry the woman or man of my dreams. It means, in Washington state, that I wouldn't get in as much trouble for marijuana (not that I'd do it). It means I can say what I want to say and not be punished for it, unless of course I am Paula Deen. It means that I respect the military and all of the men and women who have fought to keep this country free, even if it meant losing their lives. It means I have specific rights that before we became a union, I wouldn't have. Is the United States perfect? Helllllll no. But I don't mind living here at all. I rather like it. 

So watch some fireworks, drink some alcoholic beverages, barbecue, enjoy the weather and enjoy your freedom. Don't take it for granted. So many people have far less. 

I'm at the ocean. I'm going to drink some wine, go to the beach and try to take some pictures of a fireworks show hopefully. 

Gel polish giveaway

Unfortunately not through me but there's a gel polish give away going on through lacqit. Personally, I'd looove to get ahold of some of their polishes. No top or base coat?? Heck yes. ONE lucky winner will receive ALL six of the new LacQit gel polish colors: The prize: A Flare for Pink Pop On This Purple In a Blue Streak Tangerine Tango Shades of Grey It’s a White Out Note: These polishes require the use of a UV or LED lamp to cure. The Rules: The giveaway begins today, June 27th and will run through July 7th. Entries will be collected via Rafflecopter only. The winner will be selected randomly via Rafflecopter and announced on July 8th. The winner will be notified via email, and will have 48 hours to claim the prize or a new winner will be selected. This giveaway is open INTERNATIONALLY. Entries will be verified. a Rafflecopter giveaway

Heat

You know it's hot  when your dog positioned herself where she was feeling optimal breeze. Poor fluffy dog. 

Also spent a good hour or so at the Stanwood car show and got burnt. 

And saw some shitty cars. Meaning only this 1957 corvette and the fact that it was mutilated. Is there such thing as corvette murder? 

It would look nice if it were another vehicle. A kit car maybe. But it's a 57 corvette. That they mutilated. Poor baby. 

Learning

Life is constantly a learning process, right? We do things and make mistakes and we learn. We figure things out and how they work with us doing it one way or another. And we learn from it. 

As of now, I'm learning how to be me and accept myself for being me. 

Also learning to be more responsible about certain things, like my garden. I need pumpkins. 

And also relearning how to use my Nikon D60. It takes beautiful pictures on automatic settings but I'd love to be able to learn how to adjust things and take great pictures as well. 

Unfortunately I can't see the "super moon" tonight. I saw it when I was driving and it was gorgeous. But I can't see it from my house. Dang clouds and trees. 

The second picture is of a baby Hoya. Apparently it belonged to one of my mother's grandma's and it is a cutting from a cutting from a cutting from a cutting of my mom's great grandma's plant. It's beautiful. It looks fake even in person. 

Grandmother issues

It's so hard seeing one grandma die when she actually was finally fighting for her life and its even harder seeing another grandma not give a damn about her life. She doesn't get up and shower daily. She pees herself constantly, and lets it run down her leg and down to her toe where she just had surgery. So imagine that... it gets infected. She doesn't do anything for herself. She stays in bed all day and smokes. Enough that she caught the bed on fire once. Well once that we know of. If you ask her something, she'll just say "well I don't know..." To everything. "When was the last time you showered?" "We'll I don't know, honey..." 

She tries to make herself seem useless and helpless. She can do far more than she's doing and far more than she thinks she can. Her apartment is a disaster. Just a mess. She doesn't clean up after herself. She doesn't even clean up herself. She goes a week to a week and a half without showering. 

It's just so hard that someone who actually fought for their life died... Yet someone who has given up on life and themselves still lives, if laying in bed willingly all day and smoking two packs of cigarettes a day counts as living,  and doesn't realize that we are only going to live so long. 

She can't take care of herself, yet she refuses to live in an assisted living facility. Or any place where anyone can help her. She refuses help but refuses to help herself. 

It's heart breaking to see someone deteriorate like that when you know they can help themselves if they try. 

Imaginary boyfriends

My niece thinks I have an imaginary boyfriend. And that I look like my father is the Michelin tire guy thing. I may have gained weight but I'm not that big. Haha

She then told me that it's ok to have imaginary boyfriends and that she has one at her mom's house. It's a wrapping paper tube that she's drawn a face on. 

At least I don't have  a wrapping paper tube with a face on it as a boyfriend. I just have absolutely nothing.

But on the positive side, at least she thinks I can tango dance! 

No, ma'am. I don't want to buy your used undergarments

I don't understand people and what they try to sell. 

Anyone want some "mostly all new" nail polish and other nail stuff that could have someone else's nasty toe filth on it? 

And do you want to buy some used bras? I'd rather buy cheap ones than buy used Victoria's Secret bras. 

And these curtains are just beautiful. Pattern is amazing, as you can totally tell. 

That is all. 

Music Monday: Kacey Musgraves "Silver Lining"

I bought this cd the other day (How weird is it buying actual cds anymore? I forgot how to open the package!) and this song stood out to me the most. Kinda deals with the stuff I'm going through.

Silver Linings 

Kacey Musgraves

Woke up on the wrong side of rock bottom

Throw a lot of pennies in a well

That done run dry

Light up and smoke 'em if you have 'em

But you just ain't got 'em

Yeah aint we always looking

For a bluer sky

If you're ever gonna find a silver lining

It's gotta be a cloudy day

It's gotta be a cloudy day

If you wanna fill your bottle up with lightning

You're gonna have to stand in the rain

You're gonna have to stand in the rain

Hoo hoo hoooo [x3]

Hoo

And if lemonade keeps turning into lemons

And you wear your heart on a ripped unraveled sleeve

Been run through the wringer

And been pushed on your limit

Say you're just unlucky

But luck aint what you need

Cause if you're ever gonna find a four leaf clover

You gotta get a little dirt on your hands

You gotta get a little dirt on your hands

And if you wanna find a head that fits your shoulder

You're gonna have to go to the dance

You're gonna have to go to the dance

If you wanna find the honey

You can't be scared of the bees

And if you wanna see the forest

You're gonna have to look past trees

And if you're ever gonna find a silver lining

It's gotta be a cloudy day

It's gotta be a cloudy day

If you wanna fill your bottle up with lightning

You're gonna have to stand in the rain

You're gonna have to stand in the rain

Hoo hoo hoooo [x3]

Hoo

Hoo hoo hoooo [x3]

Hoo

Saying goodbye

I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm confused. I never thought I could have so many emotions at one time, but I do. I don't know what to do about what's going on.
One week ago, April 22nd, my grandma passed. While I'm trying to continue with stuff like normal, it's hard. I've never lost someone and its far more difficult than I thought. Seeing my father and grandfather being as upset as they are and as vulnerable as they are is hard. I've never seen them like this. I've never felt like this. There's so many overwhelming emotions and so many things going on and I hate that I don't know how to deal with them.

I'm sad because she's gone. I'll never get to see her again, mess up her hair again, or just talk meaningless small talk again. I'm sad because of how everyone around me is reacting. It's depressing knowing that the strongest men in my life are at their weakest points and I'm seeing them cry. While it helps to cry, it breaks my heart to see them do it.

I'm mad because she was so young. She was only 75. She didn't even get to have a single day after her 75th birthday out of the hospital. She had COPD because of smoking and second hand smoke. She also had congestive heart failure. She had always had health issues, but it was well known in my family that once a year, she'd be in the hospital due to pneumonia. Then she'd have to stay because she had issues with other stuff as well. I'm mad that she spent so much of her life in the hospital. That she never got to actually meet her brand new great grand baby. That Mila will never have memories of her great grandma.

I'm happy because I know she wanted more than anything to see her dad and mom again. She was begging for them and now she's with them again. She's no longer in pain and she's never going to have to worry about her health again. I'm happy because we have a guardian angel up there who will slap us when we are being stupid, keep us safe and smile when we are smiling. I'm happy because my grandpa doesn't have to worry about her anymore. He knows she's in a better place.


Grandma, I love you so much. We'll take care of grandpa. I miss you so much already and it's only been a week.

Ahhh, hectic day...

So here I am sitting in a hospital room hoping and praying my grandma will be ok. She's intubated. She looks so sad and helpless and pathetic. And it breaks my heart. The nurse said that they're concerned about taking the tube out. They're afraid she won't be able to breathe again. Hopefully she will be fine. I was cleaning my room last night and found some old pictures. Two of them were pictures of my great great great grandparents. One was my great grandmas maternal grandparents and the other was the same grandmas paternal grandparents, I believe. Or something like that. Married in 1877 and 1874.

The other was of my grandma when she was little. She looked so familiar and it wasn't labeled who it was. So I asked my mom who it was and yup. My paternal grandma. This is the only time I've been actually scared about her despite the fact that she goes to the hospital more often than I go to the regular doctor.
So, get better grandma. Don't know who else I would harass and rub their hair.

So now I'm going to snuggle my pup and hope for the best.

Cleaning up.

I know aquariums usually have a clean up crew to clean up a majority of the mess the other creatures leave behind. I feel like I need that. This last week has been... Interesting. Again. I am in the process of cleaning out my bedroom so I can paint it and put different furniture in it. I'm currently awake and trying to do the pretty much finishing touches on organizing what's in it now. Lots of garbage, lots of goodwill stuff, lots of stuff to give to my niece and most of all, lots of memories. I've been in the same bedroom for like 16 years or something. I think it's almost 17. So I have a lot of stuff. I found receipts from 2006 and aol Internet CDs from 2002.

I also have this sweet little pup just staring at me. Waiting to go to bed.

My bedroom has been dark for a long time. Black furniture, grey walls and a red ceiling. Not exactly uplifting. So I have some ideas in mind for when I eventually paint it. And I stopped by hobby lobby and checked out some of their stuff. Holy crap. In love. <3
Also, my dad has the majority of his garage back. So that's always good. I have a semi clean floor and a clean closet, so I'm surprised!

Summary of the week and moving. Eek!

I don't know why I get as frustrated as I do as easily as I do. It's annoying and, well, frustrating. I went to a psychiatric nurse practitioner this week and she gave me new meds. Saphris. An antipsychotic. Lovely. Always a reassuring thought when someone gives me a medication that's used for schizophrenia. She thinks I'm bipolar though. Bipolar bear. I had a therapist suggest that when I was younger but he also suggested I got a hamster to help with my depression, put my then 13 year old mutt into dog shows and purchase and learn to ride a dirt bike, so of course I took what he said with a grain of salt. So who knows what I actually am... Depressed, bipolar bear, eh... I don't really care what it is, I just want to feel better. I want to feel happy about myself. About my body. About what I'm doing with my life.
I went to value village the other day to try on semi-professional clothes so in case I get an interview, I wouldn't have to worry about what I was going to wear. Of course, nothing fit the tatas and I walked out of the store crying. And then went to the pet store and purchased some plants and ghost shrimp for Felix's tank. And Felix proceeded to attack and eat the shrimp. Well done, betta. I now know I can't put anything in a tank with him because that's like the sixth fricking shrimp he's attacked and eaten. That's why I bought $0.59 ghost shrimp and not the pretty blue shrimp that was $4.

Then on Friday when I had the medicine appointment, I may have gone to the pet store and came home with another betta. But she's an interesting white lady betta. This time I'm pretty sure she's actually a lady, unlike when I thought Felix was a lady. There's definitely an ovipositor.

For now she's in a one gallon, bare bottomed tank. I'll put her in another bigger tank soon though. I hate seeing a fish in a small tank, but putting her in a huge tank when she's probably only lived in a tiny cup most of her life is pretty traumatizing.

Saturday, well technically today for me since I haven't fallen asleep yet, was... Odd. My dad and I left around 11am to go pack up my apartment. Got there around 1:30 after a lunch stop and started packing. It's definitely weird seeing two years of stuff packed up in a truck and trailer. We left town around 8:20 and got back home just before 11pm. 12 hours just about. And then we unpacked everything into the garage. The garage is a fricking mess. Terrible mess. My back is killing me from the lifting and as I write this, I'm in the bath trying to relax. I took my medication about an hour ago and it makes me super tired. I love it. Taking it at night ensures a great nights sleep. I'm not noticing a huge difference in myself other than sleeping yet. But we'll see.
A little bit of relaxing in the bath with some colloidal oatmeal since my skin has been so dry, smothering myself with coconut oil and then sleep. I'm so excited for sleep.
Oh and in case you're wondering, no, I can't take a bath without my dog being in the bathroom. She's my creeposaurus. And she refuses to be more than like ten feet away from me. And right now, I wouldn't have t any other way.

Ziggy's belated birthday

The 24th was my lovely puppy's birthday. She is now 6. I feel like just yesterday she was a tiny little pup.



And then she wasn't as tiny and baby-like.

And now she's my lovey pup. My six year old puppy, but she's my baby.

I made her some cupcakes. She loved them.



And a birthday brushing and bath.

Happy belated birthday, my baby pup.

Music Monday : Dare by Stan Bush

Yup

Totally from Transformers: The Movie.

Once upon a time, this amazing friend introduced me to Transformers. I fell in love with Transformers immediately and it became one of the few things that could calm me down when I was in a terrible mood. I don't talk to this friend as much anymore, though I really wish I could. But sometimes, you realize that there are some friendships that hurt more than help.

But I still love transformers with a passion. And when I'm down, this song normally cheers me up a smidge and gives me a bit of hope. "You can win if you dare."

Sometimes when your hopes have all been shattered
And there's nowhere to turn
You wonder how you keep going
Think of all the things that really mattered
And the chances you've earned
The fire in your heart is growing
You can fly, if you try leaving the past behind
Heaven only knows what you might find

Dare - dare to believe you can survive
You hold the future in your hand
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
It's time to take a stand
And you can win, if you dare

Everybody's trying to break your spirit
Keeping you down
Seems like it's been forever
But there's another voice if you'll just hear it
Saying it's the last round
Looks like it's now or never
Out of the darkness you stumble into the light
Fighting for the things you know are right

Dare - dare to believe you can survive
The power is there at your command
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
It's time to take a stand
And you can win, if you dare

Dare - dare to believe you can survive
You hold the future in your hand
Dare - dare to keep all of your dreams alive
The power is there at your command

Dare - dare to keep all your love alive
Dare to be all you can be
Dare - 'cause there is a place where dreams survive
And it's calling you on to victory

Sort of a new start maybe

Sometimes I wish I could just press a reset button on life. Like when you're playing sega genesis and notice "oh shit. I'm about to die" or your time sucks, so you just press reset and bam. Begin again. Start over. Clean slate.
Sometimes I wish I could just move somewhere completely random and new. And try to change myself there because no one would know the real me anyway, but in a way, it would just be pretending, I think.
I can't do that so while I take some time off from school, I'm going to try to make some big changes.

• I'm going to get a job. Never had one before.


• I'm going to get back into shape and hopefully lose some of the weight that depression has added. (50+ pounds since 2009.... =\ I finally have boobs but the rest of me is icky)
  
  
• Take care of my aquariums more.


• Take Ziggy on more walks and brush her more.


• Plant a garden. With pumpkins and random veggies. Pumpkins are already started and I am thinking I want broccoli, zucchini, peas, soybeans, carrots and lettuce. Maybe this will help me eat healthier and lose weight also!
  


• RELAX!!! I desperately need to relax. To find ways to cope with my depression and ways to calm myself down when I have anxieties.

I need to think of myself. I need to do things that make me feel better and to help me get back to my normal semi-happy state.
I'm making lists to get stuff done. While they do seen overwhelming at first, they are helping me get some stuff done. Finding the motivation to do anything is rather difficult, especially when I'm depressed and feel sick, but I'm trying. My list is gradually getting shorter and shorter for this week. Called and made appointments for a doctor and for my hair, which stresses me out since I hate calling places. Cleaned aquariums and redid Felix's tank (baby male betta born approximately November 1). He now has a little temporary 2.5 gallon tank with plants and a heater until I go back go my apartment and get my stuff from there and his 10 gallon tank.

Happy birthday, meow mix! And panic attack. Yuck.

I'm not 100% sure of my cat's birthday.... But we guess it is approximately Saint Patrick's Day.
I love him.... But he is the devil. He is evil. A beautiful cat. But absolutely evil. Haha. It's his thirteenth birthday! Happy birthday, Homie G. Dawg! Yes, awful name. But my sister was in her parachute pants stage and I was in a highly impressionable stage. And yeah. We normally call him Homer. Or Homes. Or Homerdoo. He got outside one time and was about to get in a fight with another cat and my mom went to pick him up. $10k doctor bill there since she was in the hospital for like five days.


I don't know about anyone else, but some animals just help when you have a panic attack. I just found myself sobbing and then suddenly I was on the kitchen floor sobbing uncontrollably and hyperventilating. I didn't know what to do. Through my tears and sobbing, I called Ziggy to me and she came and snuggled me and calmed me down and licked the tears off of my face. I love my pup. That panic attack would have lasted a lot longer if she wasn't there. I'm really thinking of training her to be an emotional support animal. She helps me so much with the emotional mess that I am and she can behave if she wants to. But she's part of my family and when she wants to behave may not be as often as it is expected. Ha. Slowly but surely, I'm trying to train her with the guidelines on nsarco.com. So far... Ehh. Not so great. But I'll get her to the point where she is good on all of them. She is highly intelligent and is easy to train. She knows sit and speak in sign language and English. And with me being around more often (taking a break from school), she will hold onto the training longer. When you don't use it, you lose it. It's true.

Oh silly pup...

Sometimes I wonder how dogs or pets get as weird as they are.
Ziggy seems to know when I'm about to leave to go back to school and she freaks out. When I'm about to get home on Friday, she seems to know when to wait for me. She's odd.

She is the most destructive dog I know. For how small and fluffy she is, she kills everything with a squeaker.

The longest a regular squeak toy has lasted is about 3 days. As soon as she gets a toy, she attacks it and goes after the squeaker. Once the squeaker is dead, she's done with the toy. So a great toy for her is the Egg Babies brand. They give her something to do and she pulls out the eggs from the stomach of the toy. And then plays with the eggs that have squeakers in them. That way she's being destructive, but not completely destroying stuff. Though she does eventually kill the squeakers in the toys, they're replaceable and she stays occupied.

The other night, I was watching tv and my dog was being a weirdo and put her head underneath the pillow. She decided to just leave her right leg out from underneath the pillow.


Yeah. She's a weirdo. I love her. She is the most strange animal I know.