So it's been almost 36 hours since I had the colposcopy. I'm still in pain. They didn't even take a biopsy but just some cells by cutting into the area inside the cervix. I am the weirdo who looked at the container that had my cells in it and there was actually small chunks of my skin in there. Mildly disturbing. At least bleeding has stopped. "You'll have mild spotting." Spotting?! Yeah that's not spotting... I wasn't expecting this unless I actually had to have a biopsy. Until I YouTubed colposcopy and saw what they did and then it was a little relaxing knowing what would happen but a little terrifying. YouTube it if you want to know what happens. Ick.
Also because I've had a temperature and some other issues for the last two months, they checked my thyroid and oh hey. It's enlarged or something. Fanfreakigtastic. Haha. But they said it may be because of being on new medications.
Yesterday morning when my mom and I were getting ready for my appointment, Ziggy decided that she wanted to chew on a paper towel that she found. I looked at her and she just put her paws over the torn up paper towel and looked at me like, "what? No... I wouldn't eat that...." Haha. My pup cracks me up. She's my baby and I couldn't imagine life without her. One of my neighbors saw her so I just kept walking. Eek! Hopefully they don't say anything about her. She was a little noisy. Haha. But she's Goose. She's noisy. It'll be fine though. That's what I keep having to tell myself. She was less noisy than Harold.
So Harold. Oh Harold. His name isn't really Harold but he would yell while he had a Bluetooth on his ear outside to Miguel. Well... We later found out that Harold is... Dun dun duuuunnnnnnn... Wait for it... Miguel. He screams at himself. At all hours of the day and night. "God dammit Miguel! Why would you do this to me?!" I feel bad for the guy. But he's noisy. Ziggy was less noisy. Haha. So I think we are fine.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
The long awaited for colposcopy
Last night, my momma and I came back to my apartment so she could go with me to my appointment. I brought my dog. Dogs may or may not be allowed in my apartment complex. People have them. I'm not being super sneaky about it. If someone says something, I'll say she's an emotional support animal. Which technically she is, but just not by the books. She's super confused as to why she's here but she dug on my bed and finally snuggled down against my back. She makes me feel soooo much better about the appointment. I missed her so much and she missed me.
On the way here, she was pretty good. I had to keep her window open. If I shut it, she got mad. Glared at me. When I got into town and the speed limit was 25mph, I opened the window farther. She looooved it.
She's being a fairly perfect little beasty and just is confused. My entire living room is full of a blow up AeroBed for my mom and that's pretty much all that fits.
So today I had my colposcopy. I've been scared since the day my doctor called me and told me I had an abnormal papsmear result. But apparently that's common. And apparently HPV is super common too.
What my doctor didn't tell me was that my papsmear was just barely abnormal. Which is good. She had me far more concerned than I should have been.
So what she did was look at my cervix, take a sample of cells in it and holy heck. So painful. I had to do like labor breathing. I felt awful. Then they ordered blood work to be done and now I just feel miserable. I feel like throwing up and I feel like a zombie. Or a sloth. Or a zombie sloth. Maybe a zombie sloth with morning sickness because I imagine that's what it would feel like right now.
So they'll have my blood work in today and then the results from the colposcopy will be in a week. One more week of waiting.
But I'll have to get papsmears every six months for a year and a half and if everything is normal with all three, then I can go back to every other year or every three years or whatever it is.
But I'm thankful I have my momma here and my lovey puppy who is snuggling me. Despite the fact that she threw up on my bed last night. Oh the joys of having a furbaby.
On the way here, she was pretty good. I had to keep her window open. If I shut it, she got mad. Glared at me. When I got into town and the speed limit was 25mph, I opened the window farther. She looooved it.
She's being a fairly perfect little beasty and just is confused. My entire living room is full of a blow up AeroBed for my mom and that's pretty much all that fits.
So today I had my colposcopy. I've been scared since the day my doctor called me and told me I had an abnormal papsmear result. But apparently that's common. And apparently HPV is super common too.
What my doctor didn't tell me was that my papsmear was just barely abnormal. Which is good. She had me far more concerned than I should have been.
So what she did was look at my cervix, take a sample of cells in it and holy heck. So painful. I had to do like labor breathing. I felt awful. Then they ordered blood work to be done and now I just feel miserable. I feel like throwing up and I feel like a zombie. Or a sloth. Or a zombie sloth. Maybe a zombie sloth with morning sickness because I imagine that's what it would feel like right now.
So they'll have my blood work in today and then the results from the colposcopy will be in a week. One more week of waiting.
But I'll have to get papsmears every six months for a year and a half and if everything is normal with all three, then I can go back to every other year or every three years or whatever it is.
But I'm thankful I have my momma here and my lovey puppy who is snuggling me. Despite the fact that she threw up on my bed last night. Oh the joys of having a furbaby.
Fetus Fiesta!
Fetus Fiesta!
Well, didn't so much turn out how I wanted it. I sent Facebook invites and paper invites in the mail. 21 people said they'd come and 9 people showed up. Basically my sister, her fiancé, her kid, my mom and I, my fake aunt, my dad's coworker's wife and kid and my sister's fiancé's fake mom. That's it.
Ahhh! Stressful.
But I got chimichangas, mini tacos, and whatever. Some hummus, crackers, chips, guacamole, salsa, sour cream, wine and juice. And of course jelly beans.
The games were pin the mustache on my nephew. It was hilarious. I loved it.
Then guess how many jellybeans are in a jar.
And then hot pepper. Like hot potato but with a pepper.
My aunt won them all. Hahaha
But there was wine. Wasn't terrible. But definitely not what expected.
I have my colposcopy at 915and it's now 145. So I'm pretty much praying to whoever is up there that my junk is fine.
I'll try to post pictures later! Of the fiesta! Not my junk. Promise. ;)
Well, didn't so much turn out how I wanted it. I sent Facebook invites and paper invites in the mail. 21 people said they'd come and 9 people showed up. Basically my sister, her fiancé, her kid, my mom and I, my fake aunt, my dad's coworker's wife and kid and my sister's fiancé's fake mom. That's it.
Ahhh! Stressful.
But I got chimichangas, mini tacos, and whatever. Some hummus, crackers, chips, guacamole, salsa, sour cream, wine and juice. And of course jelly beans.
The games were pin the mustache on my nephew. It was hilarious. I loved it.
Then guess how many jellybeans are in a jar.
And then hot pepper. Like hot potato but with a pepper.
My aunt won them all. Hahaha
But there was wine. Wasn't terrible. But definitely not what expected.
I have my colposcopy at 915and it's now 145. So I'm pretty much praying to whoever is up there that my junk is fine.
I'll try to post pictures later! Of the fiesta! Not my junk. Promise. ;)
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Blogging does help!
I love the fact that I'm able to vent about things.
I don't care if no one reads them.
But it truly helps.
I missed writing but didn't really allow myself time for it before. I missed being able to express myself. I'm so glad I decided to start doing this.
How long will it last?
No freaking clue.
But I hope I continue doing it for a while.
Knowing that if someone is going through the same stuff and it could help makes me happier. Knowing that someone who has gone through the same stuff can share some of their insight with me is a little bit of a relief.
I guess it does seem weird that I'm posting my opinions and thoughts for the internet world to see. But who knows who will actually see it?
I'm not posting any information that could incriminate me. Or anything that could really be used against me. Yeah, I have hpv. Is someone going to judge me for that? Maybe. But the majority of people who are sexually active get it. But most don't get the high risk kind and most don't ever notice it. It typically goes away within a year or two. Not like I'm going to hang out with someone and they'll get it. Not like I'm promiscuous. It could have been from when I was raped. Who knows?
But this whole blogging thing does seem to be helping me. A little escape from my mess of a life.
I'm feeling like expressing myself in a way helps. Being able to write and know that someone else could possibly read it... Definitely helps.
I need to to to the doctor again though. The regular doctor. I have between a 100 degree fever and 102. I'm hot. I'm freezing. It's not fun. But I've been dealing with this for the last month or so. And I feel like poo. Haha. Yay for being sick with what seems like the flu! Friday, well today, seems like it will be a day for emissions and the walk in clinic possibly. Definitely emissions. Why the heck do we have to get them done every other year? Bolshevik. Ps that means BS to me.
Night, all!
I don't care if no one reads them.
But it truly helps.
I missed writing but didn't really allow myself time for it before. I missed being able to express myself. I'm so glad I decided to start doing this.
How long will it last?
No freaking clue.
But I hope I continue doing it for a while.
Knowing that if someone is going through the same stuff and it could help makes me happier. Knowing that someone who has gone through the same stuff can share some of their insight with me is a little bit of a relief.
I guess it does seem weird that I'm posting my opinions and thoughts for the internet world to see. But who knows who will actually see it?
I'm not posting any information that could incriminate me. Or anything that could really be used against me. Yeah, I have hpv. Is someone going to judge me for that? Maybe. But the majority of people who are sexually active get it. But most don't get the high risk kind and most don't ever notice it. It typically goes away within a year or two. Not like I'm going to hang out with someone and they'll get it. Not like I'm promiscuous. It could have been from when I was raped. Who knows?
But this whole blogging thing does seem to be helping me. A little escape from my mess of a life.
I'm feeling like expressing myself in a way helps. Being able to write and know that someone else could possibly read it... Definitely helps.
I need to to to the doctor again though. The regular doctor. I have between a 100 degree fever and 102. I'm hot. I'm freezing. It's not fun. But I've been dealing with this for the last month or so. And I feel like poo. Haha. Yay for being sick with what seems like the flu! Friday, well today, seems like it will be a day for emissions and the walk in clinic possibly. Definitely emissions. Why the heck do we have to get them done every other year? Bolshevik. Ps that means BS to me.
Night, all!
Gelish
So about a year ago, my friend offered to pay for a manicure for me if I went with her to get her nails done. Uh, heck yes. Free manicure? How can I say no? I got a cute gelish manicure with Ocean Wave and some heart stamps on the ring finger. It was cute. And it lasted nearly three weeks. I'm not easy on my nails. At all. I do water changes on both saltwater and freshwater tanks and in general am not easy on them. Since then, I've gotten them every once in a while and for Christmas, my mom got me the gelish starter kit. I was soooo surprised. It was great! Learning how to do it... That was interesting. But I've finally gotten it so I can make it last about three weeks.
The first time I tried it, it was kind of a mess.
It was Is It An Illusion with a coat of Silver Sand (I believe) on top of it. It was difficult my first time because I wasn't sure how exactly to do it. I got it a bit too thick on the edges and that made it catch on things and it made it peel easier.
Then I tried this color. Up In The Blue. But this was after I dyed my hair and it stained my nails.
It worked out better.
If you've never gotten a gelish or shellac polish done before, what they do is put a base coat on, and put it under a light for about 45 seconds.
Then you do the color coat, and about 45 more seconds under an LED light. And another coat of color and 45 more seconds under the light. And then maybe another coat of color, 45 seconds of light, then top coat and then 45 seconds of light. But you want to make sure to put the polish on really thin and make sure it's far enough away from the cuticle. Also, need to do a little bit of the polish on the edge of the nail. After a week or so, you may have noticeable grow out.
Picture above is about six days of grow out with Gelish Ocean Wave. My favorite.
But it's not too difficult to touch up the edges.
All I did was file down the area near my cuticle and do the base coat on my natural nail, the color over the natural nail a couple times and then the color over the whole thing once to tie it in together. And then top it off with the top coat. Not too hard and it lasts a while too!
To take it off, what I do is use acetone nail polish remover and put it on a cotton ball/pad and wrap foil over my finger tips. I let it sit for like 10 minutes and then scrape it off.
Terrible picture. Sorry.
But it's super simple!
I've used other gel polishes that aren't gelish with the gelish Base coat and Top It Off and they work fine. The red above is SensatioNail in Raspberry Wine.
Overall, I freaking love it!
I've tried doing my nails with regular polish and get annoyed and frustrated.
The great thing about gelish is that you can paint on top of it with regular polish and it will come off with nonacetone remover without harming the gelish! After the hair dye stained the gelish, I covered it with blue sparkles and it didn't look too bad. The sparkles chipped easily but it still looked nice for a day!
Great for a special occasion where you want it a little bit different.
But gelish is seriously fantastic. If you haven't tried it yet, I definitely recommend it. Instead of the like two or three days that a regular manicure lasts, it'll last at least a week even with the hardest of wear.
The first time I tried it, it was kind of a mess.
It was Is It An Illusion with a coat of Silver Sand (I believe) on top of it. It was difficult my first time because I wasn't sure how exactly to do it. I got it a bit too thick on the edges and that made it catch on things and it made it peel easier.
Then I tried this color. Up In The Blue. But this was after I dyed my hair and it stained my nails.
It worked out better.
If you've never gotten a gelish or shellac polish done before, what they do is put a base coat on, and put it under a light for about 45 seconds.
Then you do the color coat, and about 45 more seconds under an LED light. And another coat of color and 45 more seconds under the light. And then maybe another coat of color, 45 seconds of light, then top coat and then 45 seconds of light. But you want to make sure to put the polish on really thin and make sure it's far enough away from the cuticle. Also, need to do a little bit of the polish on the edge of the nail. After a week or so, you may have noticeable grow out.
Picture above is about six days of grow out with Gelish Ocean Wave. My favorite.
But it's not too difficult to touch up the edges.
All I did was file down the area near my cuticle and do the base coat on my natural nail, the color over the natural nail a couple times and then the color over the whole thing once to tie it in together. And then top it off with the top coat. Not too hard and it lasts a while too!
To take it off, what I do is use acetone nail polish remover and put it on a cotton ball/pad and wrap foil over my finger tips. I let it sit for like 10 minutes and then scrape it off.
Terrible picture. Sorry.
But it's super simple!
I've used other gel polishes that aren't gelish with the gelish Base coat and Top It Off and they work fine. The red above is SensatioNail in Raspberry Wine.
Overall, I freaking love it!
I've tried doing my nails with regular polish and get annoyed and frustrated.
The great thing about gelish is that you can paint on top of it with regular polish and it will come off with nonacetone remover without harming the gelish! After the hair dye stained the gelish, I covered it with blue sparkles and it didn't look too bad. The sparkles chipped easily but it still looked nice for a day!
Great for a special occasion where you want it a little bit different.
But gelish is seriously fantastic. If you haven't tried it yet, I definitely recommend it. Instead of the like two or three days that a regular manicure lasts, it'll last at least a week even with the hardest of wear.
Stress and My Pup
What is weird to me is that on Sunday, it's the baby shower/fetus fiesta. The boything should be back on Sunday. Last I heard from him, he was in Greece. Monday is my doctor appointment, so fingers crossed that everything goes well and that there's no precancerous tumors. I'm just a smidge stressed and hoping for the best. Everything came so fast, yet it didn't.
I just look forward to going home and seeing my pup. I miss her lovey face and she just got cleaned and groomed and she's likely less fluffy. American Eskimo dogs are so fluffy and in the spring time, they pretty much blow their coat. Fur everywhere. Literally everywhere. In my eyelashes. I find it in my stuff at school. On my boyfriend. At my sister's house. Everywhere. Haha. But I wouldn't have it any way else. She's my baby and I love her.
Despite the fact that she leaves her fluff everywhere. I couldn't imagine life without her. =]
I just look forward to going home and seeing my pup. I miss her lovey face and she just got cleaned and groomed and she's likely less fluffy. American Eskimo dogs are so fluffy and in the spring time, they pretty much blow their coat. Fur everywhere. Literally everywhere. In my eyelashes. I find it in my stuff at school. On my boyfriend. At my sister's house. Everywhere. Haha. But I wouldn't have it any way else. She's my baby and I love her.
Despite the fact that she leaves her fluff everywhere. I couldn't imagine life without her. =]
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Change
"Life doesn't always turn out how you want it to. There's twists and turns and sometimes it knocks you on your ass but you just have to get up and keep going.
If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."
I wrote that on March 14, 2012 in the notes of my phone. I noticed that I didn't have a ton of space on my phone so I started going through stuff. I believe I had just broken up with the guy I had dated for a year and a half, was struggling with depression and I thought stuff was bad then! Haha I'd go back to the stress of then any day compared to the stress of stuff now!
It's amazing how when you give yourself time to think, how things change. For example, when I was in high school and my first few years of college, I was convinced I was fat. Uh, really? I was being ridiculous. At 107-120 pounds being 5'2", I was not fat. It's only once my body has changed and I've gained a lot of weight due to stress that I realize my body was pretty much perfect. Yes, I had stretch marks. But I wasn't fat.
But it does amaze me how much things change within a fairly short period of time.
I guess I'm trying to become more accepting of change, but change isn't easy to accept for me. At all. I hate it.
Since I was in 5th grade and read The Outsiders and Cherry Valance had a stingray. I looked it up and pretty much fell in love when I saw it. When I saw the release of the C7 Corvette, I was terrified. It was nothing like the old ones. No more signature round tail lights. It made me sad. But the more and more I look at it, I'm starting to like it more. When it comes out, I'll probably like it more. I guess it just takes me a long time to get used to any sort of changes.
If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living."
I wrote that on March 14, 2012 in the notes of my phone. I noticed that I didn't have a ton of space on my phone so I started going through stuff. I believe I had just broken up with the guy I had dated for a year and a half, was struggling with depression and I thought stuff was bad then! Haha I'd go back to the stress of then any day compared to the stress of stuff now!
It's amazing how when you give yourself time to think, how things change. For example, when I was in high school and my first few years of college, I was convinced I was fat. Uh, really? I was being ridiculous. At 107-120 pounds being 5'2", I was not fat. It's only once my body has changed and I've gained a lot of weight due to stress that I realize my body was pretty much perfect. Yes, I had stretch marks. But I wasn't fat.
But it does amaze me how much things change within a fairly short period of time.
I guess I'm trying to become more accepting of change, but change isn't easy to accept for me. At all. I hate it.
Since I was in 5th grade and read The Outsiders and Cherry Valance had a stingray. I looked it up and pretty much fell in love when I saw it. When I saw the release of the C7 Corvette, I was terrified. It was nothing like the old ones. No more signature round tail lights. It made me sad. But the more and more I look at it, I'm starting to like it more. When it comes out, I'll probably like it more. I guess it just takes me a long time to get used to any sort of changes.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Fort Worden experience
So today my parents and I went to Fort Worden. I loooove it there and instantly there was a smile on my face. My mom calls the beaches therapeutic, I call the forts therapeutic. It's so relaxing. My mom stayed in the car and I went with my dad into Battery Kinzie, which is the most accessible of the batteries.
My dad had a flash light and was wearing waterproofed Romeos while I was wearing converse so in the back tunnels when there was water, I stayed behind and he went ahead, which is abnormal since he's claustrophobic. I had no light and just stood there. And then suddenly, there was this face. And it came at me. It was completely white and just a face floating and it came at me. I closed my eyes, opened them and then got the light app on my phone turned on and got my ass out of there. It didn't seem like a menacing spirit. But it definitely was odd seeing something because that's never happened. I feel like the spirit gave my dad the courage to continue on along in the tunnel and to overcome his claustrophobia and so it separated me from him so it could surface itself to me. It was so strange. A really cool experience but super strange.
At fort Casey, I felt really weird in one of the old mortar pits. My dog started barking in the pitch black inner area (labeled fallout shelter) when we were alone and she seemed really guarded and protective. Before that, I felt my throat burning and almost closing up. And then I felt someone pulling on my hair. A distinctive tug on my hair. It was definitely not expected.
What's weird is that these places never experienced war. Fort Stevens was attacked by a submarine but the other ones weren't. So I don't see why there would be any spirits unless they died of other reasons. There were hospitals there so death is definitely possible but it's interesting.
Also went to the Artillery Museum at Fort Worden and it was fantastic. Well worth the $3 per person. Extremely informative and there was this adorable little old guy that told us a ton of information and everyone there was extremely sweet. We got there at 3:30 and it closed at 4:00. So we didn't have a ton of time but they let us stay about 10 minutes after closing and told us a lot of information. I loved it. I'd definitely go back another time when I had more time.
My dad had a flash light and was wearing waterproofed Romeos while I was wearing converse so in the back tunnels when there was water, I stayed behind and he went ahead, which is abnormal since he's claustrophobic. I had no light and just stood there. And then suddenly, there was this face. And it came at me. It was completely white and just a face floating and it came at me. I closed my eyes, opened them and then got the light app on my phone turned on and got my ass out of there. It didn't seem like a menacing spirit. But it definitely was odd seeing something because that's never happened. I feel like the spirit gave my dad the courage to continue on along in the tunnel and to overcome his claustrophobia and so it separated me from him so it could surface itself to me. It was so strange. A really cool experience but super strange.
At fort Casey, I felt really weird in one of the old mortar pits. My dog started barking in the pitch black inner area (labeled fallout shelter) when we were alone and she seemed really guarded and protective. Before that, I felt my throat burning and almost closing up. And then I felt someone pulling on my hair. A distinctive tug on my hair. It was definitely not expected.
What's weird is that these places never experienced war. Fort Stevens was attacked by a submarine but the other ones weren't. So I don't see why there would be any spirits unless they died of other reasons. There were hospitals there so death is definitely possible but it's interesting.
Also went to the Artillery Museum at Fort Worden and it was fantastic. Well worth the $3 per person. Extremely informative and there was this adorable little old guy that told us a ton of information and everyone there was extremely sweet. We got there at 3:30 and it closed at 4:00. So we didn't have a ton of time but they let us stay about 10 minutes after closing and told us a lot of information. I loved it. I'd definitely go back another time when I had more time.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Aquarium Issues
This week has been... Hectic.
Sunday night at about 1am as my mom and I were about to go to bed, we noticed a puddle on the floor. We are used to the fridge leaking but it wasnt coming from the fridge. I followed the steady stream of water and noticed it came from my 29 gallon saltwater tank. Freaking fantastic. I had just done a water change so it was full about four hours before. It was leaking from the back where the caulk had failed. It drained probably 7 gallons. So my mom called my dad who is working night shifts and he was here within an hour. So we all tried to get the two puffers safely in another tank for the time being while I manhandled a 29 gallon aquarium upstairs by myself from underneath the house. We mopped up all of the water and tried to deal with stuff and I got to sleep at 4am. I was supposed to leave by 7:50 am to make it to classes on time but when my mom woke me up at 8am, I fell asleep while sitting up. Didn't think it was safe to drive back to school.
So of course when I woke up Monday morning and got out of bed, I noticed the fish in the 125 gallon saltwater tank were acting weirdly. Rapid gill movement and the puffer was laying on the sand all sad-like. I tested the water and the levels of ammonia, nitrites and nitrates were ridiculous. Jeeze. Just what I needed. So I spent like five hours making fifty plus gallons of water to do a water change for that and to fill up the new puffer tank.
Then of course as we sat down for dinner downstairs on the couch, my dad pointed out the ceiling.
Yup. Eff.
This is my life. This is shit. The hardwood floors are all messed up for now and hopefully once they dry, they'll be better. But it's kinda really scary.
Ah man.
If there's someone up there, he/she's definitely throwing a bunch of stuff at me to deal with.
Sunday night at about 1am as my mom and I were about to go to bed, we noticed a puddle on the floor. We are used to the fridge leaking but it wasnt coming from the fridge. I followed the steady stream of water and noticed it came from my 29 gallon saltwater tank. Freaking fantastic. I had just done a water change so it was full about four hours before. It was leaking from the back where the caulk had failed. It drained probably 7 gallons. So my mom called my dad who is working night shifts and he was here within an hour. So we all tried to get the two puffers safely in another tank for the time being while I manhandled a 29 gallon aquarium upstairs by myself from underneath the house. We mopped up all of the water and tried to deal with stuff and I got to sleep at 4am. I was supposed to leave by 7:50 am to make it to classes on time but when my mom woke me up at 8am, I fell asleep while sitting up. Didn't think it was safe to drive back to school.
So of course when I woke up Monday morning and got out of bed, I noticed the fish in the 125 gallon saltwater tank were acting weirdly. Rapid gill movement and the puffer was laying on the sand all sad-like. I tested the water and the levels of ammonia, nitrites and nitrates were ridiculous. Jeeze. Just what I needed. So I spent like five hours making fifty plus gallons of water to do a water change for that and to fill up the new puffer tank.
Then of course as we sat down for dinner downstairs on the couch, my dad pointed out the ceiling.
Yup. Eff.
This is my life. This is shit. The hardwood floors are all messed up for now and hopefully once they dry, they'll be better. But it's kinda really scary.
Ah man.
If there's someone up there, he/she's definitely throwing a bunch of stuff at me to deal with.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Faking It
Not talking about the dirty meaning. But faking being happy. We all are guilty of it. "No, I'm fine *insert fake smile here*"
It sucks. I wish I could be happy. And I wish I didn't have to ever fake a smile and pretend everything's ok. But someday I will be truly happy. Instead of just lying about things. I'm not do much ok. But I lie and say I am.
Today, I had group counseling. I actually like it. I don't hate it. I am opening up. And I'm telling people how much of a mess I am, which is extremely hard for me. But today she had clay to play with so I made a cat. I spent like 20 minutes on this cat. And then made eye contact with a guy who was new to the group. And I smashed the cat. While remaining to keep eye contact. He looked shocked. It cracked me up.
And I also found stuff for the fetus fiesta at Goodwill! Yay! Made me so happy. There's a jar that has jalapeños on it that I'll use as a vase, some jalapeño shaped dishes and a giant stuffed jalapeño for hot jalapeño! Like hot potato but with a giant pepper. It'll be grand. For less than $5. Win!
It will definitely be interesting to see how this all plays out. I'm kinda terrified. Haha. But it should be better than my sister's last baby shower I threw.
Right now, I'm missing this little fluffy beasty. I get to see her tomorrow! I love when she gets super excited to see me. It really makes my week. She loves me and wants to be around me as much as she can when I'm home. It's so sweet.
It sucks. I wish I could be happy. And I wish I didn't have to ever fake a smile and pretend everything's ok. But someday I will be truly happy. Instead of just lying about things. I'm not do much ok. But I lie and say I am.
Today, I had group counseling. I actually like it. I don't hate it. I am opening up. And I'm telling people how much of a mess I am, which is extremely hard for me. But today she had clay to play with so I made a cat. I spent like 20 minutes on this cat. And then made eye contact with a guy who was new to the group. And I smashed the cat. While remaining to keep eye contact. He looked shocked. It cracked me up.
And I also found stuff for the fetus fiesta at Goodwill! Yay! Made me so happy. There's a jar that has jalapeños on it that I'll use as a vase, some jalapeño shaped dishes and a giant stuffed jalapeño for hot jalapeño! Like hot potato but with a giant pepper. It'll be grand. For less than $5. Win!
It will definitely be interesting to see how this all plays out. I'm kinda terrified. Haha. But it should be better than my sister's last baby shower I threw.
Right now, I'm missing this little fluffy beasty. I get to see her tomorrow! I love when she gets super excited to see me. It really makes my week. She loves me and wants to be around me as much as she can when I'm home. It's so sweet.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Fort Stevens
Does it ever feel like you're stuck in this dark place while you're looking out at this big, beautiful world? While you'd love to escape and explore this world, you realize that you can't. At least not now. That is how my depression feels. It feels like I'm stuck. Like I'm never going to get out of this dark place. Never going to see this world. But I'm trying to remain optimistic. I want to see this amazing, bright world and I know I will someday. But when? No idea. How? I don't know. But I need to get out of this rut. The picture below influenced this post. It was taken at Fort Stevens in Oregon. It truly is beautiful and I love the old forts, especially the endicott period ones. I was inside a guard tower/commander station looking out at the main batteries.
If you've grown up in the Pacific Northwest, you've probably heard the basic stuff we learned in Washington/Idaho/Oregon state history. However I learned nothing about any of the endicott period forts when I was in high school. In fact, never heard anything about them until I visited Fort Worden on a trip to Discovery Bay and fell in love. It's beautiful. Gorgeous even. These endicott period forts are the only things that make me truly happy. I can wander for hours. Literally. I took my dog to Fort Casey a few months ago, November 2nd to be exact, and met this guy from the Internet there. Probably not a good idea. But I wandered there got probably 2 hours before he got there. And Ziggy, my dog, just kept walking and loving it like no other. She even ran up to some couple to be loved and they freaked out because they didn't see me and thought she was a little ghosty dog. Hahahaha. But she even seems more relaxed and happy there too. She loved it. She just ran and was happy and explored everything. I just followed her. Then the guy called me saying he was off duty and was like 35 minutes away and asked if I still wanted to meet him. I met him, well Ziggy met him first by running up to him expecting loves, and that's how our story began. We've been officially together for almost two months. And he means the world to me. My pup loves him and snuggles him at night, she didn't even bark at him when she first met him (which is very odd for her) and even my moms dogs like him. Which is super strange.
If you've grown up in the Pacific Northwest, you've probably heard the basic stuff we learned in Washington/Idaho/Oregon state history. However I learned nothing about any of the endicott period forts when I was in high school. In fact, never heard anything about them until I visited Fort Worden on a trip to Discovery Bay and fell in love. It's beautiful. Gorgeous even. These endicott period forts are the only things that make me truly happy. I can wander for hours. Literally. I took my dog to Fort Casey a few months ago, November 2nd to be exact, and met this guy from the Internet there. Probably not a good idea. But I wandered there got probably 2 hours before he got there. And Ziggy, my dog, just kept walking and loving it like no other. She even ran up to some couple to be loved and they freaked out because they didn't see me and thought she was a little ghosty dog. Hahahaha. But she even seems more relaxed and happy there too. She loved it. She just ran and was happy and explored everything. I just followed her. Then the guy called me saying he was off duty and was like 35 minutes away and asked if I still wanted to meet him. I met him, well Ziggy met him first by running up to him expecting loves, and that's how our story began. We've been officially together for almost two months. And he means the world to me. My pup loves him and snuggles him at night, she didn't even bark at him when she first met him (which is very odd for her) and even my moms dogs like him. Which is super strange.
But for real. These forts are so relaxing. I spent about 3 hours exploring Fort Stevens. By myself. As there were a ton of families around me and I was just the creeper alone. Haha. But it was gorgeous. And far different than the forts in Washington. In Oregon, it seemed to have more rounded and modern architecture. They were built all within about 20 years but its amazing seeing the differences. For example, fort Stevens was more rounded. They had more circles and less squares.
The guns were far different than the ones in Washington too. These were the disappearing guns on the main line at fort Stevens.
These were the ones that were at fort Casey. Also disappearing.
These places are soooo relaxing to me. More than anything. I'm me there. Even if its busy, I feel alone. I feel like I'm content. Well actually happy.
Something I had never seen before in any other Washington forts was the fireplaces. There were at least two brick fireplaces that I saw at fort Stevens. It was interesting. It makes sense that they had them but it didn't make sense why Washington ones didn't have them.
The concept of time is skewed, it seems
It's amazing how some things you dread are so far away but others are so close. Not that I dread the baby shower I'm throwing for my sister. But it seems like so much stuff that needs to be done before the 24th. And it seems sooo close. But amazingly the doctor appointment to check my hpv and possibly precancerous cells is on the 25th and it seems sooooo far away. Ridiculously far. It's amazing how things that are less than 24 hours apart seem so distant yet so close. I guess it's just different stressors.
I dyed my hair though. Thankfully the fuschia Ion Color Brilliance (or whatever it's called) shows up well on my red hair without lightening it up.
Ps. The baby shower is actually a fetus fiesta. Meaning everything is Mexican themed. Including pin the mustache on the baby (or on a picture of my 4 year old nephew). It's going to be freaking fantastic. Any ideas will be welcomed! I'm totally trying to figure out games and stuff for it since I am finding mostly regular baby shower stuff. What I'm thinking now is hot tamale (like hot potato) and match the Spanish word to the English baby themed word, guess how many beans are in a jar and I'm not sure what else!
Also, my toilet is making me want to shut the water off to it. It's running every 8 seconds. Last night it was running only every 12 seconds. But throughout the entire day, it ran like once! Uh whaaaat?! Yeah it's ridiculous. So I need to call maintenance but I really don't want to. I feel like they know me by name! Dang it! I'll call them in the morning. =[
I dyed my hair though. Thankfully the fuschia Ion Color Brilliance (or whatever it's called) shows up well on my red hair without lightening it up.
Ps. The baby shower is actually a fetus fiesta. Meaning everything is Mexican themed. Including pin the mustache on the baby (or on a picture of my 4 year old nephew). It's going to be freaking fantastic. Any ideas will be welcomed! I'm totally trying to figure out games and stuff for it since I am finding mostly regular baby shower stuff. What I'm thinking now is hot tamale (like hot potato) and match the Spanish word to the English baby themed word, guess how many beans are in a jar and I'm not sure what else!
Also, my toilet is making me want to shut the water off to it. It's running every 8 seconds. Last night it was running only every 12 seconds. But throughout the entire day, it ran like once! Uh whaaaat?! Yeah it's ridiculous. So I need to call maintenance but I really don't want to. I feel like they know me by name! Dang it! I'll call them in the morning. =[
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
What I thought things would be vs what they are
Sometimes things don't always work out how we intend them to. I imagined myself at 22 being graduated from college, possibly married and most definitely out of my parents house. At least this was 16 year old me's thoughts.
Instead, I'm 22, still in college and struggling with it, being thankful to have my parent's house to go to on the weekends and most definitely nowhere near getting married. Haha.
Life is what we make it. Of course there's our time for everything. But sometimes depression gets in the way and delays things. I'm going to graduate college. When? No idea. I'm going to live on my own someday. I'm going to have a blue corvette and a beautiful, old house that I love and I'm going to be happy. Do I have these things now? Nope. Not even close. Do I think I'm going to have them someday? Hell yes.
When life throws problems at us, we only have a few things we can do. We can embrace that issue and accept it. We can change that issue. Turn it into something better. Or we can ignore it and pretend its not there. Unfortunately I've done a whole lot of ignoring. I need to change that.
Instead, I'm 22, still in college and struggling with it, being thankful to have my parent's house to go to on the weekends and most definitely nowhere near getting married. Haha.
Life is what we make it. Of course there's our time for everything. But sometimes depression gets in the way and delays things. I'm going to graduate college. When? No idea. I'm going to live on my own someday. I'm going to have a blue corvette and a beautiful, old house that I love and I'm going to be happy. Do I have these things now? Nope. Not even close. Do I think I'm going to have them someday? Hell yes.
When life throws problems at us, we only have a few things we can do. We can embrace that issue and accept it. We can change that issue. Turn it into something better. Or we can ignore it and pretend its not there. Unfortunately I've done a whole lot of ignoring. I need to change that.
Friday, February 1, 2013
A slight scare...
Today, I found out some of the most difficult to deal with
news I've ever heard.
I got a call from my doctor at 10am and it seemed off.
Instead of saying that my pap came back fine, she asked me to call her back.
Knowing the Student Medical and Counseling Center usually leaves more
information on messages than they shoulllldddd…. I was a bit concerned. It took
me a little bit to call her back because I was stressed out. I called her back
and received voice mail… of course. I left a message and she called me back.
Turns out that during my pap smear, there was abnormal cells and it came back
that I have HPV. High risk HPV. So I'm at a higher risk for cervical cancer.
She had to explain it to me multiple times. I froze. Not only do I have what is
considered a virus that I was supposedly immunized from (Gardasil only
immunizes against 2 high risk types! There's over 100!!! Keep that in mind. I wish someone had explained that to me when I got it.),
but I'm also a higher risk for cancer. When numerous people in my family have
had cancer (Grandma on my mother's side had melanoma, and her husband, my
grandpa died of some sort of cancer. Not sure what. My aunt on my mother's side
supposedly had cervical cancer. My grandma on my father's side had cancer in
her hip bone as well.) it's more concerning than someone whose had no cancer in
their family. Plus in the last 3(ish) years, I've known at least six people
with cancer, three or four of which I went to school with.
Great. Just freaking fantastic. I totally need more stress
in my life, right? I totally need to deal with the chance of possibly having cancer. Lovely.
I'm super concerned. I've received bad news in my past, but
I don't think anything has been as hard for me to deal with as this. I
thankfully have an appointment on the 25th of next month, I guess this month now, to do a colposcopy
to check for cancerous lesions. And hopefully I have none. I just need to be optimistic, right?? I have great insurance and I didn't have to get the pap smear this year, but I did. I'm thankful I had a pap smear when I technically didn't need one for another year. I could have gotten this when I was raped. I have no idea where I got it from or who I got it from and there's no way of finding out. But I'm truly thankful for the fact that my mom said she'd go to the appointment with me and the fact that I have insurance.
On a lighter side, I had a group counseling appointment and
it turned out well. I was surprised. We played Jenga that had questions on each
piece. As we took each piece out, we had to answer a question. It was actually
not terrible. I'm hoping that counseling continues and continues going well. I
felt comfortable around the people there. Yay! Here's to accepting the mess I
am. And thankfully, the boything is being accepting of the mess I am. He's
fantastic and I don't know if I could deal with this news without him and my
family being as supportive as they've been. I may feel like a mess 90% of the time, but I do have some very fantastic ups in my life and I'm hoping that soon they outweigh the downs.
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