Today, I found out some of the most difficult to deal with
news I've ever heard.
I got a call from my doctor at 10am and it seemed off.
Instead of saying that my pap came back fine, she asked me to call her back.
Knowing the Student Medical and Counseling Center usually leaves more
information on messages than they shoulllldddd…. I was a bit concerned. It took
me a little bit to call her back because I was stressed out. I called her back
and received voice mail… of course. I left a message and she called me back.
Turns out that during my pap smear, there was abnormal cells and it came back
that I have HPV. High risk HPV. So I'm at a higher risk for cervical cancer.
She had to explain it to me multiple times. I froze. Not only do I have what is
considered a virus that I was supposedly immunized from (Gardasil only
immunizes against 2 high risk types! There's over 100!!! Keep that in mind. I wish someone had explained that to me when I got it.),
but I'm also a higher risk for cancer. When numerous people in my family have
had cancer (Grandma on my mother's side had melanoma, and her husband, my
grandpa died of some sort of cancer. Not sure what. My aunt on my mother's side
supposedly had cervical cancer. My grandma on my father's side had cancer in
her hip bone as well.) it's more concerning than someone whose had no cancer in
their family. Plus in the last 3(ish) years, I've known at least six people
with cancer, three or four of which I went to school with.
Great. Just freaking fantastic. I totally need more stress
in my life, right? I totally need to deal with the chance of possibly having cancer. Lovely.
I'm super concerned. I've received bad news in my past, but
I don't think anything has been as hard for me to deal with as this. I
thankfully have an appointment on the 25th of next month, I guess this month now, to do a colposcopy
to check for cancerous lesions. And hopefully I have none. I just need to be optimistic, right?? I have great insurance and I didn't have to get the pap smear this year, but I did. I'm thankful I had a pap smear when I technically didn't need one for another year. I could have gotten this when I was raped. I have no idea where I got it from or who I got it from and there's no way of finding out. But I'm truly thankful for the fact that my mom said she'd go to the appointment with me and the fact that I have insurance.
On a lighter side, I had a group counseling appointment and
it turned out well. I was surprised. We played Jenga that had questions on each
piece. As we took each piece out, we had to answer a question. It was actually
not terrible. I'm hoping that counseling continues and continues going well. I
felt comfortable around the people there. Yay! Here's to accepting the mess I
am. And thankfully, the boything is being accepting of the mess I am. He's
fantastic and I don't know if I could deal with this news without him and my
family being as supportive as they've been. I may feel like a mess 90% of the time, but I do have some very fantastic ups in my life and I'm hoping that soon they outweigh the downs.
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